the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
where are you?
Hypothermia
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
