Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
