Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
