Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Ladies don't puke and tell
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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