I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
