Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I think people are normalizing furries
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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