Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
