so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
