can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
