I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
