Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
