they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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