he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
