Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
