I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
