im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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