My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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