i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
