I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
