i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
