I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
