I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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