So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
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