I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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