I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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