I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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