i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
