1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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