Someone shit on the floor
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
