went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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