Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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