My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
