Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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