I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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