Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
