i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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