you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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