sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
