your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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