Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
