I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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