My balls are so social today.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
