I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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