My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
as a side note pls kill me
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
