i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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