I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
