He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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