Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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