explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
the room spins SO much faster in panama
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
