Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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