Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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