oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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