How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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